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Showing posts with label URGE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label URGE. Show all posts
8/2/07
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4/21/07
URGE: Top 10 Worst Kisses
By Meagan DixonAhhh, the first kiss. What a wonderful moment! Something to fantasize about when you are deeply in like with someone. I sit and daydream about him slowly moving in and smiling, and I close my eyes and imagine him gently pushing his lips against mine. Then rewind and replay, until I have thoroughly plotted out the entire event. And, when the moment arrives, and he slowly moves in and smiles, I start to close my eyes, then pause, because I want to see this movie moment in action, and find myself …. ducking and screaming because I’m being attacked by dragon face, he’s coming straight at me, lips curled and tongue protruding, and I wasn’t even prepared.
Could there be anything worse than a bad kisser? At my age this is completely unacceptable! Hasn’t there been a partner, sometime in their dating history, who liked them enough to say, “Hey, you’re not so good at the whole kissing thing, let me teach you how”? I have come across a number of bad kissers; it’s not an isolated incident, and what do you do; besides politely wipe the slobber from your face and excuse yourself, escape route in mind? I think it’s time to start talking about it. If I was a bad kisser I’d want help improving, so lets discuss the top 10 kissing offenses we are guilty of, in no particular order:
Offense #1: Dragon face.
I start with the dragon face, because it is a newly acquired kissing mishap in my life. And the mental image still gives me the heebie jeebies! This poor man went in for this kiss, at a particularly awkward moment, with his lips curled back in a lizardesque smile, his tongue pointing out of his mouth, the tip wiggling at me as if to say, “Hello baby, here I come.” I didn’t want to be rude, so I pulled away, smiled, and said I needed to go home. I couldn’t kiss Dragon Face guy, I just couldn’t! This inept style of kissing was frightening, and kissing should never invoke fear.
Offense #2: The slobberobbergus.
You know the guy who manages to hit every spot on your face with his tongue other than your lips. It’s like he closes his eyes and his directionally challenged tongue is going on an expedition of your face, destination: mouth, never to be found. And when you pull away, wondering if there is any hint of makeup left, he is slyly grinning at you, as if he has just opened you up to a new experience. And he has--you now know what a small child feels like when the big St. Bernard won’t quit licking its face, and you get the urge to cry as well.
Offense #3: The bird beak.
This is characterized by a hard tongue shape, moving in a rapid manner inside of the mouth of kissing partner, usually in a back and forth motion. The tongue is not meant to be a ridged body part. Its purpose is soft, and gentle and probing. Not stiff, and abrasive, and thrusting. There are other body parts which can be appropriately used for those activities, don’t let your tongue steal their thunder. (Thanks, Suzy!)
Offense #4: Just eaten/bad breath.
Now this is just rude! Behavior of this nature is not due to bad technique or nervousness; this is simply bad manners at their finest. You NEVER put food in your mouth, chew, and then move in for a kiss (I added chew as my disclaimer for the ever-so-seductive sharing of the food maneuver, which is totally acceptable when done correctly). But partially masticated food should not be shared between partners, it’s just gross! Garlic, onions and cigerettes, oh my! Remember, if it tastes funky to you, it will to your kissing accomplice as well.
Offense #5: The black hole.
This is another universally experienced bad kiss. When you look up and see a wide open mouth coming at you, a spacious span between top teeth and bottom teeth, and the fear of being consumed by this approaching black hole mixed with a sadistic curiosity of what you’d find if you stuck your head in there and explored overwhelms you; you know you’ve been a victim of the black hole. The only hope you have to turn and run before you’re devoured.
Offense #6: The soul sucker.
He slowly moves in and smiles, and he gently presses his lips to yours, and then you suddenly feel as if you’ve entered a void and all air is being extracted from your body at a rate faster than you can replace it. And as you fight to retain ownership of your soul, which is slowly being removed from your body, you struggle to detach from this vacuumous power. Take a deep breath, and possibly refrain from the second kiss.
Offense #7: The teeth fighter.
Yes, teeth are in the mouth, and sometimes we all get a little excited and there is a minor fender-bender. When this is a constant occurrence, there is a definite problem! The teeth fighter feels his deadly weapon is actually a turn-on, and proceeds to hit you with his teeth numerous times in varied ways. Eventually, you find yourself bleeding with a fat lip, and a not so great memory of the kiss. (Thanks Liz!)
Offense #8: Scab chin.
This is the guy who kisses with such ferocity of chin movement, mixed with the small tufts of hair on his face, that minor chafage occurs. The next day you have a dry spot resembling a scab on your chin which hurts when you talk. Girls, it’s OK, we’ve all been there. Wear your scab proudly, especially if he was cute, but remember this make-out-war-wound, and try to steer clear of the chin action in your next canoodling session.
Offense #9: The marathon kisser.
Kissing is a wonderful and fun activity, and I understand the desire to never want to stop; but reality check, breathing is essential to sustaining life! We all need to do it. WARNING: Lip locking for over 20 minutes can cause brain damage from lack of oxygen and a really sore tongue. Give it a break, take a breath, start off slow, and leave your smooching rival wanting more. This is not a race to the finish, unless you want to be finished. (Thanks Tammi!)
Offense #10: Tonsil hockey.
No, this is not a real sport, and your tongue does not belong down my throat! This type of behavior is most often distinguished by a feeling of your stomach contents being searched, and nervousness over the onions you ate for dinner the night before...you never know, they could be discovered. On a serious note: there is an imaginary line drawn between the last molars in any persons mouth with a little sign that says, “Do not cross go, do not collect another kiss from me.” So if last kiss is the goal, by all means, forge ahead; otherwise back off.
Are there any kissing experiences you’d like to add to the list?
The ramblings of a twenty-something-year-old girl questioning the settled beliefs of life, love and relationships. Check out my blog at http://www.norcalblogs.com/iconoclastic.
6/29/06
URGE: The Allure of the Ex
"Before you have sex, are you willing to reestablish safe sex practices? Or are you in denial, certain that your partner has not been sleeping around since your breakup?"
By Dr. Trina E. Read
There you are sitting alone on a Saturday night, eating stale Doritos and watching old reruns of Seinfeld you have already seen seven times. It would not be so bad except you have an itch, a sexual itch that is, in need of scratching.
You start flipping through your brain’s Rolodex and realize that other than the slightly creepy person in accounting who flirts with you, there are no real prospects on the horizon. Big time Bridget Jones loser feelings start seeping into your every pore. Panic ensues.
Your mind wonders back to the sex you had with your last partner. Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start obsessing about their soft, warm body up against yours in your nice cozy bed.
Without thinking you pick up the phone. They answer. You try to make some small talk but it is of no use. You ask them to come over for a “drink.” Both of you know that is code for, “let’s have sex at least three times tonight.”
Your legs raw from twitching they finally arrive. In a mad rush to rip each other’s clothes off, there is little or no thought given to consequences. Your itch is about to be scratched…hopefully they will sleep over as an added bonus.
Sex with an ex. Good idea to keep your sexual juices flowing during the transition time? Or bad mistake that will keep you messed up for a longer period of time? As every breakup is different, doing some analysis might save you heartache when your libido takes over your brain.
First know you are not some freakoid because you want to have sex with the exact same person you spent days (maybe weeks) getting all bent out of shape over after the breakup. Sex can comfortably numb the I’m-a-big-fat-loser worries, pain and panic in the short term. It is convenient and semi-reliable.
As well, yours is an established relationship so all the preamble of getting to know each other and weirdness of seeing each other naked does not exist. Your ex is (hopefully) clean of any STD's. Also you might have gone through a lot together and on some level only they can understand you.
Now lets look at the other side of this equation. Never fool yourself. As much as you want to believe that sex is simply sex and nothing more, the act of sex is a ticking bomb of many emotions waiting to go off.
To start with, count the time elapsed since your separation. The fresher the breakup, the stronger both your favorable and angry emotions for this person will be. Conversely, the longer time your relationship has been over and done with, the better chance those dormant emotions will be jolted back to life.
Be clear in this confused moment: The need for sex can be a clever cover for needing an emotional reconnection with another human being.
If the sex is good (i.e. deep emotional connection), you may wonder why you broke up in the first place. Due to these confused emotions, it is easy to start playing the “come here/go away” game, and moving on may take a lot longer than necessary.
Next is being OK with the hardcore reality of your situation. Before you have sex, are you willing to reestablish safe sex practices? Or are you in denial, certain that your partner has not been sleeping around since your breakup.
Are you ready, in the aftermath of your sex, for your ex to start exhibiting the traits that had you breaking up with them in the first place? Know you will most likely feel empty and unfulfilled because after they leave you will again be partnerless.
What if they never call you back and, shamefaced, you realize you were simply their booty call for the evening? Speaking of which, are you mentally prepared for the eventuality of your ex telling you they have moved on to their next partner?
If you are all right with all of that then go ahead have tons of protected sex with your ex. If not, take a long cold shower or slap on a chastity belt when you feel your resolve wearing thin. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from calling them.
One great thing that comes out of having sex with an ex is the valuable lesson learned. Ultimately satisfying an urge at the sacrifice of self worth is never worth it—yes, even if the sex is amazing.
Samantha Jones, the infamous character from Sex and the City put it best: “Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore, if it's bad you just had sex with an ex.”
Common-sense sex expert Dr. Trina E. Read is a columnist and international speaker. See http://www.trinaread.com/, or contact drtrina@trinaread.com.
By Dr. Trina E. ReadThere you are sitting alone on a Saturday night, eating stale Doritos and watching old reruns of Seinfeld you have already seen seven times. It would not be so bad except you have an itch, a sexual itch that is, in need of scratching.
You start flipping through your brain’s Rolodex and realize that other than the slightly creepy person in accounting who flirts with you, there are no real prospects on the horizon. Big time Bridget Jones loser feelings start seeping into your every pore. Panic ensues.
Your mind wonders back to the sex you had with your last partner. Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start obsessing about their soft, warm body up against yours in your nice cozy bed.
Without thinking you pick up the phone. They answer. You try to make some small talk but it is of no use. You ask them to come over for a “drink.” Both of you know that is code for, “let’s have sex at least three times tonight.”
Your legs raw from twitching they finally arrive. In a mad rush to rip each other’s clothes off, there is little or no thought given to consequences. Your itch is about to be scratched…hopefully they will sleep over as an added bonus.
Sex with an ex. Good idea to keep your sexual juices flowing during the transition time? Or bad mistake that will keep you messed up for a longer period of time? As every breakup is different, doing some analysis might save you heartache when your libido takes over your brain.
First know you are not some freakoid because you want to have sex with the exact same person you spent days (maybe weeks) getting all bent out of shape over after the breakup. Sex can comfortably numb the I’m-a-big-fat-loser worries, pain and panic in the short term. It is convenient and semi-reliable.
As well, yours is an established relationship so all the preamble of getting to know each other and weirdness of seeing each other naked does not exist. Your ex is (hopefully) clean of any STD's. Also you might have gone through a lot together and on some level only they can understand you.
Now lets look at the other side of this equation. Never fool yourself. As much as you want to believe that sex is simply sex and nothing more, the act of sex is a ticking bomb of many emotions waiting to go off.
To start with, count the time elapsed since your separation. The fresher the breakup, the stronger both your favorable and angry emotions for this person will be. Conversely, the longer time your relationship has been over and done with, the better chance those dormant emotions will be jolted back to life.
Be clear in this confused moment: The need for sex can be a clever cover for needing an emotional reconnection with another human being.
If the sex is good (i.e. deep emotional connection), you may wonder why you broke up in the first place. Due to these confused emotions, it is easy to start playing the “come here/go away” game, and moving on may take a lot longer than necessary.
Next is being OK with the hardcore reality of your situation. Before you have sex, are you willing to reestablish safe sex practices? Or are you in denial, certain that your partner has not been sleeping around since your breakup.
Are you ready, in the aftermath of your sex, for your ex to start exhibiting the traits that had you breaking up with them in the first place? Know you will most likely feel empty and unfulfilled because after they leave you will again be partnerless.
What if they never call you back and, shamefaced, you realize you were simply their booty call for the evening? Speaking of which, are you mentally prepared for the eventuality of your ex telling you they have moved on to their next partner?
If you are all right with all of that then go ahead have tons of protected sex with your ex. If not, take a long cold shower or slap on a chastity belt when you feel your resolve wearing thin. Do whatever it takes to stop yourself from calling them.
One great thing that comes out of having sex with an ex is the valuable lesson learned. Ultimately satisfying an urge at the sacrifice of self worth is never worth it—yes, even if the sex is amazing.
Samantha Jones, the infamous character from Sex and the City put it best: “Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore, if it's bad you just had sex with an ex.”
Common-sense sex expert Dr. Trina E. Read is a columnist and international speaker. See http://www.trinaread.com/, or contact drtrina@trinaread.com.
Photo from stock.xchng
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