ARIES: The deadening in your soul may be plaque on your teeth. Brush better.
TAURUS: You aren’t what you eat, but you are what eats you. Rethink the safari trip.
GEMINI: Friends and family will try to walk all over you. Ask them to leave their Nike Shox in the front hallway.
CANCER: The sturdiest trees have the deepest roots. But that won’t help you with taxes. Get your ass in gear.
LEO: Love is like a melody. Hatred is like Nickelback. Change your station.
VIRGO: Keep the wind at your back, especially if it’s yours.
LIBRA: Loneliness is just too much company with yourself. Go to sleep.
SCORPIO: When a door slams, a window may shake and crack. If you missed an opportunity, you might be screwed.
SAGITTARIUS: We all have a light within, but we are not all equally rechargeable. Don’t be too ambitious.
CAPRICORN: A linguist will condescend to you. Count on it.
AQUARIUS: If you have breakfast food at dinnertime, you will be tempted to drink liqueur in the morning. Not a good idea.
PISCES: Close friendship knows no boundaries. Avoid close friendships.
